I always thought that if I were to be pregnant, I wouldn’t want to find out the sex of the baby. It’s a true surprise, and in my opinion, it doesn’t really change how I feel about the baby. I still sort of feel that way, but my husband is super excited to find out – to the point that he wanted to find out and keep it a secret even I chose not to. So we decided that in a few weeks, when I have my anatomy scan, we will find out if the baby is genetically male or female. Now that that decision has been made, I’m also super hyped to find out, because, well, it’s just fun!
As a first-time-pregnant-person, I’ve been told that I have a ton to learn. I watched a lot of The Baby Story on TLC when I was a kid (I mean…a lot of episodes…) and I’ve read a lot of Yahoo Answers, so I’m basically an expert, right?! I’m almost 17 weeks, and I’ve come to this conclusion: everyone is the expert of their own pregnancy. In a lot of cases, complete polar opposite sides of the spectrum could be considered normal symptoms. Dry skin? Normal. Oily skin? Normal. Showing at 14 weeks? Not showing at 20 weeks? Want to have sex all the time? Never want to have sex again? All normal.
There have been a few phases of my life that have felt extremely dark and foggy. Phases that when I look back on them once the smoke has cleared, it’s hard to remember what actually happened then. Perhaps I’ve blocked some of these things out for fear of feeling that way again, or maybe it was just too dark to see. Right after my dad died; during graduate school; and the first trimester of this pregnancy.
I so desperately want this to be a bright and shiny time – and it is in lots of respects. You only have your first baby once, and I want to experience, enjoy, and plan every detail. I want to remember it.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
It’s been almost a year since I first started posting about mental health on Casual Contrast – and once again, May is Mental Health Awareness Month (MHAM). And boy oh boy! am I aware of my mental state right now! I don’t want to make a joke out of MHAM because you know how seriously I take this topic, but it just feels a bit too personally ironic to survive it without making a self-deprecating joke.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
After realizing that my period was a few days late yesterday, I bought a pregnancy test this morning after work. After years of taking tests when I was a day late or after feeling weird symptoms, I 99% expected it to be negative. After three and a half years of using zero birth control, I was starting to just assume that we’d never get pregnant naturally. I wasn’t even tracking my cycles anymore – I had to go back a few months on my calendar to find a star to indicate when a period had started and do some math.
I had really arrived at a place in my head where I was confident that my life would be full and happy and wonderful with or without children. If I were to get pregnant, that would be exciting, but if I didn’t, that was okay too. I felt neutral and open. I definitely wasn’t ready to pursue medical intervention to conceive. I just threw it out there for the universe and my body to decide.
So I sat down and took the test and thought Isn’t it strange that the last thing I’m going to do before my life potentially changes forever is take a piss?! I watched the test develop on the sink and BAM! Two super bright blue lines – pregnant! My immediate response was Oh shit! followed by about two minutes of hysterical laughter. Bob jumped around under my feet, excited that something was going on!
In retrospect, my boobs had been huge for the last week. And I hadn’t had any of my traditional PMS symptoms…
I felt surprisingly calm. I mean, it’s one of those things that is like – it just is. Two minutes before, I didn’t know it was. But now it is. And I’m very happy that it is, but I’m also, naturally, a bit overwhelmed by it all.
I guess I’m in a little bit of shock. I waited to tell Benn until he got home and he was so thrilled. Biggest smile I’ve ever seen. We’ve decided to share with family and friends over the next few days instead of waiting – why wait?!
So, now the-day-I-found-out-I-am-pregnant, the day that everything changed forever!, is over and I have a caffeine headache the size of the sun (that wasted no time at all showing up!). See you in January, Embryo Draher – can’t wait!❤